When you ask 16-year-old Ty what happened to his mother, he will tell you straight up.
“My mum died of cancer when I was 10,” he said.
“She was first diagnosed on my fourth birthday and sadly lost the battle in 2019.”
Over the past five years, Ty has devoted much of his life to keeping his mother’s memory alive. But he’s faced pushback from adults who prefer to avoid the topics of death and cancer when he’s in the room.
Ty describes his mum, Jacqueline, as a go-getter who began every day with a big smile.
Jacqueline was confident, energetic and always in a cheerful mood. She went out of her way to make others happy.
“Mum was well-spoken and loved to draw,” Ty said.
Ty and his mother were very close. As her strength began to fade, the thought of losing her pained him. When she eventually passed, he was devastated.
News of her passing spread quickly through their community. People were eager to pass on their best wishes. It was a lot for a 10-year-old to take in.
Losing another relative a short time later, Ty dealt with more grief in a few months than most Aussie kids experience in a whole childhood.
Ty said he found power in knowledge. He asked questions, he spoke to relatives, and he shared his suffering with friends. This was what helped him carry on.
“It’s been hard, I was very sad.”
Child psychologist Cassie Xintavelonis says approaching death with young people can be tricky, but it’s important to give them the support and space they need to grieve.
“It can be really uncomfortable for adults to talk about, but we need to almost put that to one side and think about what’s in the best interest of the child,” Ms Xintavelonis said.
Set up and establish some ground rules at the start of the grieving process.
“They may not utilise all of the opportunities available but let them know that you’re there and you’re going to check in.”
Let me speak
Ty used to find it difficult to even think about his mother’s death.
Over the past five years, in an attempt to heal, he made a conscious effort to talk about the experience and reminisce about the good times.
“The memories I have of my mum will last a lifetime.”
But Ty became frustrated when he realised people around him were actively avoiding the topics of death and cancer out of fear of upsetting him.
“My friends will try to bring up my mum and a teacher or a parent will stop them.”
Ty said he was happy to answer any questions, and he would often ask people what they would like to know.
“I think this reassures them and allows them to open up with me a bit more.”
As someone who experienced immense grief at a young age, Ty felt compelled to use his experience to help educate other children.
He has also implored adults to have difficult conversations with young people, even when they are concerned about how the child might react.
“You never know what the person is holding in until you talk to them.”
Listen and adapt
As a child psychologist, Cassie Xintavelonis has devoted many hours of her professional life to supporting young people through times of heartbreak and despair…
Ms Xintavelonis emphasises the importance of factual, direct and honest conversations with children. She also highlights the need for adults to adapt their responses based on a person’s age.
Very young children may ask several questions, in a variety of environments, over an extended period time.
“They have a really different concept of what death is,” Ms Xintavelonis said.
Older children may want to get straight to the point.
Regardless of age, ensure they have a supportive person they can go to and a space they feel comfortable in. Then, let them speak and answer their questions as best you can.
“Be factual … talk about what’s actually happened,” Ms Xintavelonis said.
This includes avoiding phrases such as “they have gone to sleep” or “they have gone away”, which can create confusion. Instead, opt for words like “death” and “dying”.
While Ty has been comfortable speaking openly about the death of his mum, Ms Xintavelonis acknowledges not everyone is capable of this.
In instances where children find talking difficult, adults could consider other communication methods like drawing, writing a letter or typing a text message.
“There are many ways to communicate … even being in close physical contact without talking can help too,” Ms Xintavelonis said.
Validate their feelings
At a time when there is so much death and destruction in the news, parents should be prepared for an increase in sensitive questions from children, said Susanne Legena, CEO of Plan International Australia, a global organisation dedicated to child-friendly spaces.
“You really have to make time to listen and validate their feelings,” Ms Legena said.
